Dealing With Pathological Liars

Dealing With Pathological Liars

How to Deal with Liars
Tips for Coping when Friends and Family Members Lie
© Venice Kichura

When close friends and family members continue to lie, it can be devastating. Here are some tips on how to deal with liars, as well as how to help them.

There’s nothing more frustrating than knowing someone is habitually lying to you. When it’s a small child, it’s considered immaturity. But after a parent has tried to teach basic honesty and the child grows up and continues to lie, creating a fantasy world that you know isn’t real, the lying surpasses immaturity, becoming a serious problem. Both the liar and those close to him (or her) suffer if the lying persists.

Hold Your Tongue
Although you’re tempted to lash back, letting the liar know you don’t believe a word he says, it’s better to hold your tongue. Of course, you do want to let him know you don’t believe the lies, but try to keep your words soft and few, although it’s not easy. Calmly state (resisting the urge to use harsh words) what you know to be true.

State Only the Truth
Be sure you tell only the truth. If you’re known for being an honest person, then others can see the lie for what it is. Also, weigh your words carefully, as you don’t want to be accused of telling any untruths yourself.

Share Your Concerns with the Liar
In a gentle way, meet with the liar to share that you’re concerned about him. Tell him that you have proof of his lying and that you’re concerned for his welfare if he doesn’t change. If you know this approach probably won’t work, then maybe you’ll need to plan a confrontation where other friends and family members confront him in a surprise meeting, urging him to get professional help. Explain how it’s possible he may have a mental illness and need therapy. Be sure to convey that you really care about his welfare.

Seek Counseling Yourself
If your friend or loved one refuses to get professional help, or a confrontation doesn’t work, then you get help yourself, either professional counseling, or with a trusted friend, church elder, or minister with whom you can confide. Often when you associate with a liar, you can feel like you’re losing your mind, so to protect your own sanity, seek help.

Pathological Lying
A pathological liar is someone who exaggerates his stories to impress people. While a normal liar knows he’s lying, a pathological liar may actually come to believe his own lies. This is a serious mental disorder that needs to be corrected. On the other hand, some pathological liars know they’re lying, but continue to do so, as they get rewards in the form of sympathy, attention, etc.

How do you know if someone is a pathological liar? There are several red flags. For example, the liar….

Changes his stories
Acts defensively when questioned
Lies about minor things
Often actually believes his own lies
Exaggerates to an extreme degree about everything
Uses manipulation
Never admits she/he’s wrong

If all Else Fails, Disassociate
If the liar persists in telling untruths, then you may have break off all ties with him until he realizes the seriousness of his problem. Don’t give up on him, but when the opportunities arise, continue to let him know you’re concerned about his mental health. Meanwhile, pray for him, as you go on with your own life.

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How to Deal with Liars in Personality/Anxiety/Mood Disorders
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Gossip belongs to small, petty minds

Gossip belongs to small, petty minds

Eleanor Roosevelt, known for her sensitivity and her work to improve the lot of the underprivileged, loved and admired by many, said, "Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people."

Father Lawrence G. Lovasik, a missionary in America's coal and steel regions, who said his life's ideal was to "make God more known and loved through my writings," wrote, "Only the ignorant and narrow-minded gossip, for they speak of persons instead of things," and that, "It is just as cowardly to judge an absent person as it is wicked to strike a defenseless one."

Gossip refers to "ostensibly value free" idle chatty talk, but Wikipedia encyclopedia also says, gossip "often specifically refers to talk of scandal, slander or schadenfreude (German word for enjoyment taken from the misfortune of someone else) ... discussed in an underhand or clandestine manner," introducing "errors and other variations" into information transmitted, isolating and harming a person's reputation.

Some say gossip is simply "immoral."

The world's major religions preach against and condemn gossip. Yet, gossip is not a province of any nationality, ethnicity or race. Gossip cuts across national, ethnic and racial boundaries.

Christian Proverbs 16:27 says, "A worthless man digs up evil, while his words are scorching fire," and Proverbs 16:28, "A perverse man spreads strife, and a slanderer separates intimate friends."

The Chinese say, "What is told in the ear of a man is often heard 100 miles away," and the Irish, "Who brings a tale takes two away."

Many nations have this same proverb: "Whoever gossips to you will gossip about you." And a Biblical goes, "Without wood a fire goes out; without gossip a quarrel dies down."

The Ninth Commandment of the world's largest religion, Christianity, teaches: "Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor."

Islam, the second largest, says, to "backbite one another" is to "eat the flesh of one's dead brother" who has no recourse to self-defense.

In Judaism, gossip is sin, and Jewish "lashon ha-ra" (bad tongue) teaches that speaking negatively -- including "negative truths" -- about others "demeans the dignity of man -- both the speaker and the subject of the gossip."

Lord Gautama Buddha teaches, "Killing is evil, lying is evil, slandering is evil, abuse is evil, gossip is evil, envy is evil, hatred is evil, to cling to false doctrine is evil, all these things are evil."

Digging dirt

Yet, "many small minds" find pleasure engaging in what religions prohibit. Look around to see how some busily dig up dirt to throw at their fellow human beings, thereby sowing friction, ending friendships, and alienating people.

On the other hand, there are men who rise above all that: Benjamin Franklin said, "I resolve to speak ill of no man whatever, not even in a matter of truth; but rather by some means excuse the faults I hear charged upon others, and upon proper occasions speak all the good I know of everybody."

Spiritual and political leader Mahatma Gandhi declared, "I look only to the good qualities of men. Not being faultless myself, I won't presume to probe into the faults of others."

Last October, a Reuters article, "Gossip more powerful than truth, researchers say," looked at the findings of Ralf Sommerfield, of Germany's Max Planck Institute, who led a study on gossip by using a computer game. The study found that "gossip has a strong influence ... even when participants have access to the original information."

As Reuters put it, "Gossip is more powerful than truth. ... people believe what they hear through the grapevine even if they have evidence to the contrary," or in the words of the study, "gossip has a strong manipulative potential."

And that's the problem: In spite of evidence, people in general are intrigued by, and continue to give weight to gossip.

Indian philosopher Jiddu Krishnamurti wrote in his book, "This Light in Oneself," that it is we, the inhabitants of the world -- whether in family, in school, at the office, in communities, or in nations -- who have made our world what it is. We are the creators of the situation and environment in it. In this world, not only are there frictions and disharmony around us, but within many of us, too, we cannot even find peace, order and happiness.

Constant struggle

Krishnamurti explained life as "a constant struggle," and life journey as "a battlefield not only within ourselves but also outwardly" through marriage, children, jobs, achievements. "That is what we call living," he wrote, and suggested that we engage in an "inward revolution" to remove the "me" from all relationships, actions, thinking, and way of life, to transform the mind, instill compassion, love and energy to transcend life's pettiness, narrowness and shallowness. Only so would we find peace, order, and happiness within ourselves and in our world.

The Indian sage advised that we develop a "psychological detachment" from "things" that should not be a focus of life, and to live the present, here and now, "in goodness," which is life's focus.

"Good" is that which is holy, related to God and to the highest principles -- the holy does not preach love and practice hatred, Krishnamurti said, and God and the highest principles do not preach killing, stealing and smearing someone's good name.

It is not "Do unto others before they do unto you,"

but as the Golden Rule says:

"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

Article By:

A. Gaffar Peang-Meth, Ph.D.,